Spewing out Some Thoughts

I have some amazing, inspirational friends.

I was reminded of this the other night, after helping out at one their fundraisers. One of my friends, along with her husband, who lost their baby to heart defects, has a foundation to give to other families, with children who have congenital heart defects, experiencing financial strain and such.

Another friend of mine, among other wonderful things, plans a party for her kids for most every holiday or occasion. Many of these girls find time to serve at church and school for multiple ministries and events. Another mother of four is truly Super-Mom, serving her family, home, church and others with ease, always giving and giving, without losing it and keeping her cool.

They are unbelievable people.

Can I consider them my friends though? Or let me rephrase that, do they consider me their friend?

I have been a lousy friend lately. In the midst of my "illness" and other situations I've been experiencing, I have alienated them. What did I do? How did this happen? I have pushed them away, all by my own doing. I have made excuses to myself. (My thoughts are awful to me; I hate it. I've been trying to find the right meds over the past year, and I'm frustrated.) I have used my children as a crutch - not being able to get out or answer the phone. I was sick of hearing some of the advice they doled out, when they didn't know the whole story. But it was my fault for not expressing that to them; I just removed myself from those situations. One of them doesn't call at all anymore because she doesn't want to come across as hounding me. I am a bad friend.

Maybe a lot of it has to to do with the fact that I don't know how to be a good friend. I am not a "good sharer", but you can't share if you don't see your friends. It may have started in grade school with a group of girlfriends, our clique. If you ticked off the "leader", she would choose the other girl to be her best friend. So, you couldn't say your true feelings if something bothered you about her. It could be the fact that I have never been picked to be a bridesmaid at any of my friends' weddings. I've always been shocked when not chosen; I thought we had been better friends.

What do I do now that I have alienated them all? And do they even want me for a friend, knowing this is the way I am? Do they put on a good front when they see me, with casual conversation, like they do for all of the other people who are just acquaintances? Do they have enough good friends already, and I'm kidding myself that I'm ever going to be close to them? Will I ever learn how to be good friend?

Thanks for letting me ramble. It's been on my mind for some time now. And since I'm not a good "sharer", I put the "pen to paper" and let it out to the web. Maybe this will be my inspiration to get going, to jump start my friendships again. If it's not too late.